Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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