The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
