remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
