dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just found a bag of teeth...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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