omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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