did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
