Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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