note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Is that strawberry winking at me??
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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