It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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