u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
