I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
