If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
