Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So many bounce houses so little time
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
