I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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