She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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