i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
