"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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