my phone needs a breathalizer
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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