I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
