EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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