If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she smelled like a LAN party
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
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She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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