In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
