now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
