i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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