Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
