bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
