8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
