don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
