he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
