Who wears a wallet chain?!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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