i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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