apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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