I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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