Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
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Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
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Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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