the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.