He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
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It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
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took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first