listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
