So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?