I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I could fuck to npr.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
