Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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