Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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