I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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