also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
