Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
