hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
