I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
