woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
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I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
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You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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