Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
