She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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