i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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