so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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