i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
