I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
