remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
