drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think weed is turning my hair brown
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
